An Hour with Glenn Beck

On Monday September 21, 2009

I forced myself to watch an entire episode

of Glenn Beck.

Here's, more or less, what happened:

First things first, if I'm going to get through this I need to be in the right frame of mind. That's why I've got a fifth of Canadian whisky. I've also unplugged my DVR because if I give myself the ability to pause the program I'll never get through this and I figure I'm going to need those commercial breaks to cleanse my palette of Beck. When five o'clock rolls around I pour myself a glass of Crown and ready myself for the insanity. The theme of the show today is "President Obama in His Own Words" an exclusive with Glenn Beck. Wait I haven't drank nearly enough whisky to hear something that crazy! The President is going to be on Beck's show? Well, it could be true, he did make one hell of a blitz on the Sunday programs this week and he is trying to win over that special breed of people that actually enjoy Glenn's show. But then Beck let's me and the rest of the viewers in on the joke; President Obama will not in fact be on the show. Instead Glenn will be playing a bunch of clips of Obama and then giving his take on them. Well Goddamn it that's not an exclusive! Isn't that what all these pundit shows do every night? I'm not even five minutes into this thing and Beck has already pissed me off! But that's what I got the booze for. So I pour another glass of whisky and try to relax.

Next Glenn unveils a bizarre looking flow chart on a chalk board which seems to indicate an Axis of Evil between the Organizations of SOROS, TIDES, Health Care for Americans Now, The Apollo Alliance, SEIU, and of course the notorious ACORN group. Now I don't know a lot about these groups but from what Glenn Beck is telling me, and mind you I'm heavily into the Crown by now, they are apparently working together on a secret evil plan to ram a single payer health care system down our throats! I knew those bastards were up to something and I'm sure ACORN wants to work in a brothel for teenage girls as well. At least they'll have good health care, but I digress, next comes one of Glenn's favorites: the Czars! Many of the so called Czars have worked with some of the afore mentioned groups, and I say so called Czars because the title of Czar does not actually apply to two of Beck's targets in this segment; former Green Jobs Czar Van Jones and FCC Czar Mark Lloyd. Van Jones' job description was that of Special Advisor to the White House Council on Environmental Quality and Mark Lloyd's official title at the FCC is Associate General Counsel and Chief Diversity Officer. Glenn just likes to throw around words like "Czar" to scare the shit out of his viewers into believing that President Obama is trying to turn our country into something resembling a love child between Soviet Russia and Nazi Germany. But I'm getting off track again. What Beck is trying to get across here is that there is a very cozy relationship between organizations such as the Apollo Alliance, whom Van Jones' served on, and the Czars. To really drive home his point Glenn plays a few clips of the evil Czars and the President using words like "Re-distribute" and "Wealth" in the same sentence and it immediately comes apparent to me and the rest of the audience that these fuckers are trying to indoctrinate the nation with socialism! The worst "Ism" of them all! Thank God a commercial drink, I mean break.

If there's anything more creepy than Beck and his program, it's his sponsors. I've had quite a bit to drink by now, in fact I'm watching the TV with one eye closed just to keep from seeing double, but I swear I just saw a commercial with G. Gordon Liddy trying to get me to invest in gold! I never thought I could be so glad to see Glenn's doughy face when the show finally comes back on, I mean anything's better than watching a vampire like Liddy trying to sell me on gold; that's enough to sober anyone up. Out of the break Beck plays a clip of President Obama repudiating former President Jimmy Carter's contention that much of the criticism as of late is based on racism. In response to this Glenn says, "Good, thank you," as if Obama were talking directly to him. Then I start to wonder does this loon actually believe that he is interviewing the President? Maybe he likes to have a little whisky during his show too! Or maybe he's just a really emotional guy because next Glenn's voice gets all soft, and his eyes get that misty on the verge of tears look and he starts to profess how much he loves this country and how he is scared that Obama is going to fundamentally change the entire system; which brings us back to our Axis of Evil from earlier. You see it's this "Coalition," as Beck likes to call it, that will allow Obama to bring about a, "Re-Distribution," of wealth. So we better watch the fuck out and invest in Gold like Liddy says before Obama, ACORN, and Van Jones take all of our money! And not only do these commie bastards want all of our money; they want to take over what Glenn calls, "the best health care system in the world." Don't believe we have the best health care in the world? Just listen to these glowing reviews he gave our health care system when he had surgery in 2008: "phenomenally bad," and one of the, "darker moments in my life." It was so good that he claimed he even became, "suicidal." Our current health care system has flaws yes, but it's still the best in the world, even if it makes you want to kill yourself. Just when I think Beck cannot possibly top himself he really puts the icing on the cake by exonerating Joe Wilson (R-SC). In a speech to a joint session of congress President Obama stated that his health care plan would not insure illegal immigrants and Congressman Wilson Shouted out, "You lie!" on live television. Wilson was later ridiculed by both parties but then the President made the mistake of calling for immigration reform which in Glenn Beck's tiny mind is tantamount to flat out amnesty; ergo Wilson was right. The President is a dirty liar!

Glenn goes on a bit of a rant now; scolding the President for treating us like "morons" and how he needs to stop listening to "the media, the celebrities and the elite!" Obama might be taking cues from the elite, and that may or may not be a bad thing, depending on your definition of "the elite" but I don't think he's getting advice from Angelina Jolie and Wolf Blitzer. Well maybe he's getting advice from Blitzer's beard but that's it. As for treating us like morons, well here's the thing; every night these pundits and so called journalists make outrageous claims about the President and he is forced to defend himself from their absurd accusations. Beck himself has implied on more than one occasion that the President is a socialist and even a racist, and these are the least of the crazy things that are said about him. Don't even get me started on the Death Panels and the Birthers. Look, this is going to be tough for you to hear America but If you believe half of what comes out of someone like Glenn Beck's mouth, YOU ARE A MORON, and you should be treated accordingly. But it's not entirely your fault, Beck can be pretty manipulative, in fact I feel a little more stupid myself after watching him for an hour. Wait, has it been an hour? Sweet Christ I can't believe I made it through the entire show! Well if this isn't an excuse to have a drink I don't know what is but to my horror I've found my bottle of Crown is bone dry! Not only has Glenn raped me emotionally and intellectually for the past hour; the bastard made me drink all my booze! Oh God, Liddy is back and this time he's pimping Cialis, I gotta get to the liquor store!